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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something' r0 D1 I& ^+ `+ d2 \
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get& j1 e: [. ^5 d7 b5 ?
into a regular workout routine.9 }5 @( C% g3 R- F3 ^' J
4 {1 S {" o* W3 n% NDear Diary:3 X! h( W( ~' m* N0 a; N# I }
$ H9 J$ {9 T' U% ?) }# sFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
W+ g1 }9 v' R! t6 Dweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
' ]/ f! d. J" Y( J( p. Kam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
4 T5 w/ F. @' @years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
) ]( k5 e9 B0 |6 h* c- v, B" P# T8 z$ qtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
$ k+ i4 ~0 l/ anamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
$ {6 \) z% @3 u1 i) w' J2 x+ Jinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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, S; w0 P6 ~ s, B2 SMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
! Q% Y. k6 `( Y- m/ `8 e# {encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.0 x5 |7 p% \: h; d2 H! ^
0 F: ~0 C1 ^6 I' pMONDAY:8 _- {! r4 a1 J0 G3 _
; d7 ~9 O* r# ?$ ~5 M7 HStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well: T: c; ?) A! e+ ?! h$ Q
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
) \/ G* f, e- f. K% Gme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
8 H9 V( @* s% [4 Neyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!* ]9 B. @% m9 ^' Z2 B, J
4 x# C! \% A- b p: pShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
$ E- ?( [9 w# t) f. S7 N6 @* athat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
7 [- m) P! k$ M* i kin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in( B, ]( s) q L
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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) ^7 @$ n D* g( r4 b: l% c+ ~Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,1 Y8 f" c# |) Y! ?9 F
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she$ X6 ^4 _, h8 n6 K9 C
was around.
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0 g( h# P" }5 dThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:7 ^( C% F+ V2 V6 o
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.* \) }! P) F0 M2 ~0 v" ` Q
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,& u$ X: f- N* G% S7 p. S! y
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& T# s1 `& Z) L% f+ R7 I( L# ^ w5 Mtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
2 D* z( ^6 }. T/ c4 \all worthwhile.1 `# J! D) H2 ]
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:/ K# |! v: N9 A7 c4 Z2 w
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
+ V( {7 m5 `: o& M5 J4 Fthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have, v# T# W5 X% m5 `
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
. I* L) s0 U7 e ~steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
( c' f. ^& Y; m& P8 Z, G6 Ubothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
: f- [$ e. Q5 zearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine* y" T! \9 W! R- e0 G9 Z
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
( A9 r, d4 h- x4 T& {7 S/ QBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
% I; i3 s6 N4 _( qmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
: g- V B+ B6 ?9 z) z+ }6 A. {told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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0 i- s8 M( [# g- xShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:: y3 f) b) q% ~* h; l! s
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as. N8 I* r5 u+ ~+ N
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help+ O2 @. q. d: z; ~1 L; j/ Y! _; t. a
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
5 x) f: M; p/ Htook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
8 f+ H) @* r) L7 ]6 `6 \5 A& K, a3 Phid in the men's room.5 a+ M% t' I5 i: m' [
9 [2 v1 ^# w3 {/ n( Q1 i4 sShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing* M# G, T* ^1 X# q7 v
machine -- which I sank.' a' [8 I8 [6 R4 a% p5 C
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FRIDAY:
7 w7 R( e' X; d* i p/ cI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated: j4 y& T2 _- j
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,3 I" [) R z% ?' ^9 `
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I+ e7 t' n2 ]* l/ T5 Y; S6 h
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda9 Y% ?, K& j# a# K, C
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!% g2 p* p( f9 ?* T" W
. s) \+ R2 Q! X" jAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
+ N9 m' {' V' O8 ?the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.+ @6 i! _8 y/ h" ?& c9 D$ O% R
* Q7 U% ^5 i* b3 @The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
- R* D; v+ A" i O3 J3 Nteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
/ y5 k1 k/ L( g0 l: O" S5 E8 lor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
! H* w% V0 u" L5 z) N1 y4 iBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
: |6 E4 n! R8 ~- a: K% Kshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her, I2 b5 ^9 \- _4 ?8 o3 D! Y
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the& A: v, N. W, X8 n5 Z
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight; h; Z* d+ C; \/ y
hours of the Weather Channel.
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1 s( C3 @ X9 \; R4 Q( dSUNDAY:
$ o9 O* R$ P; \I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go1 S! p6 e% O% M7 P/ Y9 G2 O' p
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
! ~' O T) [+ Z E. ~" N3 H! x: v; Tmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
) e# J$ T7 U2 K7 p& ba root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
