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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something8 P5 T+ r- I+ O# L4 ]
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
5 W( f% s4 T3 w+ O6 Cinto a regular workout routine.- t& y# M6 Y' G2 @6 v
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Dear Diary:6 k# U/ P+ G9 R& X- k5 m
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
7 M* r' K C3 i, zweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I' }* k8 |0 F0 H# k' D& U
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25! Y$ S! v/ w, D/ O6 C4 y) l
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
9 ?6 d6 s& S$ `# q( U; Mtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer: f$ a* c* W- I" w
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics3 P. ~( S1 Q1 x. |$ F
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.* B( Z( i) d* P7 {: P8 ~
2 w1 k1 }/ [+ C+ S. g9 gMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club7 a6 I' w! V+ d) m& U& ]! u5 T
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.3 f0 X! V) n& t. d Y( x. w3 i% e
6 w: m [8 j) Q! c5 |MONDAY:
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, C) Y; E4 W$ c6 oStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well0 |* T5 e# o% r* j, c
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for* U* @! ?3 D" n2 Q! |
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
) S! @" f) m, o G9 Ueyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed8 j2 ?% |$ W+ R: `
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
4 l9 q) J2 k; K# zin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in0 T8 g2 W5 _6 F
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today." D ?3 N) A, c& S
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,6 X& E: Y {! |5 O: T+ v1 @
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
0 S) B* w4 t/ L/ swas around., _9 ?$ T5 p8 w; O- q+ A5 m
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY: I. O& B2 G& _
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door./ K Q9 Y; x0 m
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,, A/ D# B. h- j
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
) q' j( o# b2 C3 \: }; Htreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it9 P/ V+ C4 c3 D: D1 q
all worthwhile.6 \0 D! N! N: t' j! N$ A) C
7 i$ H& E% O) R0 AI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.2 k" V! p$ p! k T9 O
: G4 ~6 ?) b. e+ `- Y2 r+ rWEDNESDAY:
1 [$ R; m% i( ]+ vThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on7 E+ k d4 q$ P# ]8 ?+ l
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have+ V: y' N1 e1 p1 y- B- z# z
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to/ \) s A: L* L) e' [1 T) A% N
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
% e2 U4 X! P2 p! ^5 ]2 g6 rbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
- F* ^7 e) }$ n Mearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine; i* i* `9 y$ a( T9 H* k8 J' ]
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
* e2 D) d+ `2 c2 ~" M* T5 ~Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a% D- I" \4 n0 ` E5 N# k" e
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
7 C1 h) @& C% b, I) @told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.( n/ @5 k" w' Q, X3 L0 x
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:5 }9 S K) U6 B, y( Q
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as5 ?' T: d$ i$ W. k, t
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help6 d+ U' O' _+ Y9 k
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
/ p1 f) k z3 K) i& @3 Y" Ttook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and; M5 F6 j. r( j! Y+ C$ v
hid in the men's room.
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' n* o9 V6 W" p5 y7 `/ ]+ r0 FShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
D8 C5 i/ {; P( pmachine -- which I sank.& ~- |" U( x' `% B
5 k; G5 H) J3 W7 |1 H/ `FRIDAY:
5 [1 K* k; P _5 }2 J7 ?2 a9 Q( _I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated! v6 J1 n) z& C2 K, B
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ S- L f0 Y/ [' G+ i% J: H$ ranemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I0 w* M7 v- g; x6 C: ~3 j
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
0 x6 K1 n) z9 F. R) dwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
" r8 @+ N; [1 ethe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
Q! z& K2 a& w2 G0 r% Zteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
! d2 Z, B2 D3 Y! Hor the choir director?, E0 ~& H) M5 E$ ^3 s1 o7 i* g1 a
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SATURDAY:
' W1 z9 }! J0 K* cBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
7 e+ r5 B+ C: ^! h0 nshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her) n$ i/ y: T/ N) n
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the) d: Z1 T. i2 X2 J0 f% W
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
; X/ K0 Z" e0 G- P9 f/ p) Zhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:5 g. l$ z5 H" c* e
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
[# c" S% {0 \2 mand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
& g" D* j$ v7 L# emy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like; q# O# k- t# k. J& g& A
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
